A Million Pieces

Broken Up Into a Million Pieces

Just when you wonder how much more you can tear yourself apart, there is more being done. Fill like I am sitting or lying in a million pieces on the floor, no energy to gather myself, don't recognize any of the parts anyway to put it all back together and into what. Don't know what I am anymore, let alone who I am!

Yes there was a trigger that caused so much pain, gut wrenching, don't want to be here anymore pain; I can't make it; who am I? The pain has diminished somewhat but a very non attached feeling has taken over, an 'I don't really care' feeling, almost not even an emotion, an ambillivence about life. A bit like I'm trying to play a game in a foreign language that I don't know, with people from another planet, that I haven't got a clue as to how to play. I give up, YOU win, whoever YOU are.

Amongst all of this I managed to get myself some work for a couple of days, so there is a level of functioning on auto pilot I think. I have been good at pretending to myself all my life, so I suppose that's what I'm doing, pretending to care about working to get some money.

Yes all sounds very morose and depressing but deep down there is a feeling of surrender and even some peace. Also a feeling like there really isn't a future of any kind, just putting one foot in front of the other, just dealing with what appears in the moment, kind of knowing it's ok, only the moment and if I go the wrong way I can get back on track again. 

Perhaps this is death to the ego, I don't really know, like I say 'I'M' unrecognisable, don't know who I am, no identity, no role, no place I belong, no place I live. There is my car and some possessions but maybe they will have to go. All very unknown which doesn't feel exciting today, not scary or fearful just I have no idea.

Well enough journaling for today. Feel the emptying process is very important, that's why I'm journaling it. It's just as important, maybe more so than the ecstatic highs I think. It's what needs to be done, emptying the conditioned beliefs, thoughts, patterns. Even this level of ugliness is a part that is me, in some ways, a part that is obviously lurking in the depths that wants to be released, revealed. Well that's what's happening.

Enjoying the view

So excited to be on this amazing journey right now! Here I am looking at the beautiful Harbour in Sydney Australia, listening to Cockatoo screeching overhead, love it! Spending quite a bit of time on my own looking at what is going on for me and realizing this is really an inner journey. I am observing my creations and having a true knowing what I am achieving on an inner level.

I have been down this creation many times before, I will name it homeless and staying in another's space, in the past I have had a great resistance to this creation. I am experiencing this creation very differently right now, I am embracing where I am, I am trusting in the non physical part of me to create, I am acting from inspiration. I only take any action when it feels good or non resistant. 

I seem to be able to hold a vision of my dream life without attachment because I know that I don't need to have this dream life appear to make me happy or to be at peace or to feel abundant. I realize the only way for this 'dream life' to appear is when I feel all of those feelings most of my waking hours, my focus isn't even to make myself feel that, it's more like I know where ever I am moves me into those states of being when I notice the resistance, allow it and let it go. Using that word organic is more meaningful to describe my process.

Now I have spent many years in struggle to get to this place, which by the way is nowhere, it just is what it is, I have no idea where it will lead me in a physical sense and in some ways I don't have an attachment to that either, kind of exciting to not know where I'm headed. This is the same sensation I experience when I travel, the excitement of not knowing where I'm going, being in a state of openness, excited to see who I will be in that moment and what I will experience. Which is why I suppose I am drawn to travel, I had a great sense of that when I first started to formally go out into the world at the tender age of 20. A feeling of leaving the mundane troubles behind, open to not knowing where I am or what will happen in that place/space. 

I feel like I am doing this now in my everyday life, without saying I am going to South America or another exciting destination to do this, I am allowing myself the experience of doing this right now, knowing I will create exactly what I need in the moment to support this inner journey. I almost expect my actions to bring up any residual fear that remains in my limited being. I welcome this, I call it forth, allow it to be, allow it to move on and take me to a real connection to myself as an aspect of 'Source', the true self beyond the limits of form. That's the plan without it being a plan, right now I am driven to do what I am doing, like I say it's an inner journey that will translate on the outer journey; into what I have no idea but I do have a DREAM.

Much love to all the incarnations that are sharing this journey with me!

Wow what a journey I have taken on!!!!

It has been quite a while between blogs! Sometimes I just have nothing to say or share that would be of benefit to others from an experience point of view. So not sure if this is still true but here I go!

I am making some major changes in my life, doesn't really seem like I have made an intellectual choice or decision in some ways, I would say it is almost a compulsion to do what I'm doing. A few months ago I decided to leave my job and place of residence and to move to Sydney, which is about 800kms from where I live, a major city, as opposed to a town of 4,000 and a shire of about 10,000. My family in Sydney concist of my 2 sons, a mother, sister and her children and grandchildren live in said city. I have quite a few friends in Sydney as well. Now this may sound all very nice and ordinary except I now find myself unable to work out how to do this in the traditional sense.

In between this decision I traveled overseas with some friends to Hawaii, went to visit my daughter in USA, came back and went on a road trip and have been saying my farewells to friends in my community, house sat for a week. Now I am staying with a friend with no idea what is going to happen next. I have been in a space of I can't act from a place of fear and I better get a job and rent a place or whatever it was I did in the past. I am taking some action but I can't force my self to act in a responsible way or even conceive of how that looks anymore.

I'm not inspired to really do anything, don't know who I am, don't know what I should do, not even sure I know what I feel or perhaps I'm not feeling the feelings I should feel given my circumstances. So some of the thoughts that have come up regarding this 'journey' I find myself on. I feel like I am being vulnerable and humbled by my experience, nothing new there but I'm aware that I'm wanting to not diminish myself like I would in the past for having to accept the kindness of friends. I feel like another quality is steeping into my reality that is a bit foreign to me. Perhaps I'm not judging myself for the circumstances I'm in even though I'm doing a lot of asking for clarity, support and guidance from the unseen realm.

Yes I have been scared of what is going to be-come of me, at times not even knowing whether I want to become something at all. I'm not sure how to 'do' life, I don't seem to have an aspirations. I know how I would like my life to appear but I seem to be as far from that as earth is from the moon. In fact there is no visible way I could achieve what I desire from what I know.

I only seem to be able to put one foot in front of the other, only take action when it feels right, only plan ahead as I need to, like I'm getting my haircut tomorrow and I don't know beyond that. The part that is watching me seems to be all very relaxed with this new way of being, there is a part of me that freaks out every now and then and is quite puzzled by my behavior.

Feels like a journey to a more authentic me, I mean I can't pretend anymore to be something, to have something, to make something of myself and my life because I don't know how to do that. I only have now literally, don't know what tomorrow holds, don't want it to hold anything that resembles the past me because I'm not sure if I'm capable of doing that anymore, don't want to, can't do it, don't care about it!!! Not sure if anyone out there can relate but it is what it is.

What about all the goodies?

Now don’t get me wrong I want the stuff too. I want to live in a beautiful house overlooking the ocean, a brand new car that is environmentally friendly, beautiful clothes, holidays in exotic places; just being able to buy whatever I want whenever I want it! For me having a spiritually based life isn’t all about being the light and love or being a selfless guru that has no need for possessions. If I wanted that I would become a Buddhist monk and that is not the path for me.

I do want the stuff of life and I have spent plenty of years pursuing the means to make the money to acquire the ‘stuff’. I would get some ‘stuff’ but I slowly realised the buzz from having fun objects didn’t last that long, it wasn’t long before I wanted something else to give me the ‘buzz’ or make me happy, which I slowly realised was the underlying desire. I have now spent many years questioning and self investigating my so called needs and desires. Why do I really want ‘some thing’? And yes I decided there was nothing wrong with the desiring of fun things, I did receive pleasure from the latest Apple Mac product; it’s a lot of fun to buy a new pair of shoes and feel more socially acceptable by having the goodies.

So what am I really saying here. What I have discovered is I have desires but I don’t need the goodies to make me happy, I can be happy without the stuff, I don’t need the stuff to feel complete, happy or worthy. Also I can get obsessed with things I find beautiful or something I think I need. I have an ‘I need it now’ personality. ‘No time like the present’, ‘if not now when’ stuff can go on in my head. So I have observed that I only ‘think’ I need something, I convince myself that I need something. Recognising this behaviour at all?!

Like I have said before, I am, as much as I am aware, living my life as my own experiement. I like to observe my desires, thoughts, feelings and actions, I challenge my desires and needs. I only take action to buy something when it feels right, when I have totally aligned with my desire that it feels natural to have it, not needy. Now this can be an instant feeling when I am shopping and go yes, it feels great for me to give this to myself or buy a gift for someone else. Other things take longer for me to align with. There are many reasons for this, I may be dealing with money issues, I am accessing whether I really do need to have this item or if I want it for dysfunctional reasons, like I need to make myself feel good because I am feeling some sort of lack within myself.

Now all of the above are good enough reasons to make me buy something that I want, but like I said before it won’t last. I want the sort of happiness that lasts, that doesn’t need to be constantly fed by something outside of myself, that isn’t dependent on an object or a person because sooner rather than later they will let me down, they won’t continue to make me feel happy or even good. The loss of them will disappoint me or make me feel sad! So instead of being the victim to the ‘stuff’ of life why not just appreciate them when they are here; enjoy the people, places and objects of life when we have them. Needing anything or anyone can be painful and personally I never like feeling like that. I don’t need to be detached from things outside of myself, I just want to gain a healthy perspective about it all. I want to allow them in and let them go when it is time. I want to appreciate how useful my things are. Having things come because I love beauty and usefulness. Interesting enough when I get to a place of not needing something the means to attain seem to appear or the object itself.

Another consideration is the price I am paying to have the goodies. People (not me) spend their whole lives working in jobs they don’t enjoy to buy things for themselves or their families; spending 6 days working and stressing to enjoy 1 day a week or only 3 weeks a year. Yes they might have the latest gadgets but are not present enough to really enjoy them, or are too stressed and tired to value the people they love. I could go on about all of that but no need. I just want to say question what is behind the needs and desires; get in touch with how you feel about life and the ‘stuff’ you think you need!

Lost In Space

Today I was chatting to a friend. We were talking about not being able to identify with any particular role in life. I said it was like floating in outer space, in a space suit that has a line attached to a space ship. We are floating around out there, not doing or being anyone in particular; feeling kind of free but a bit lost and confused sometimes; feeling lighter and more spacious than everyone else in the space ship. We can see the people in the space ship, they are busy doing their stuff or 'important' roles in life; they are looking towards us every now and then, waving at us and feeling sorry for us floating around out there! I must admit we were laughing and laughing just at the imagery of it all.

This analogy is about moving away from the 'grid' so to speak. Not fitting into the mold, not identifying with any particular role that we were conditioned to fit into. For many years I thought life went a particular way. Grew up, got married, had kids, lived happy ever after....... well not to be for me! First part yeah that was great, then the cracks started to appear, I was able to fool myself that I was on the road to 'happy ever after' when I gave birth to my adorable children and just loved the role of mother. So I got divorced and then I started to seek the 'happy ever after' in numerous other ways, a new man - wrong; business - wrong; sell the house and invest - wrong; more business ideas - wrong; maybe something creative - wrong!!!! How many 'wrong' decisions can a girl make!

After a decade or so insights started to appear, 'aha' moments were the most significant things in my life! Now I am totally at peace with 'being busy doing nothing'. I thought I needed to be something or someone, I thought my only significance was in what I have and do. Well when none of that got me anywhere I started to question what I wanted from identifying with a role. I wanted to be valued, to feel worthy, the security that came from having, I wanted to be respected, loved, noticed; again the list goes on. Then I started to pay attention to those that had, did and were something or someone, they didn't seem much happier than me! They were still chasing something to identify with or someone to make them happy. I realised the significance I was seeking was fleeting, it wasn't long before one had to seek something to be significant through, over and over and over!

After a lot of soul searching I now realise if I sit still for a moment, feel the sensations in my body, look out the window at the sky, trees and birds being, this is a reflection of my own significance. Without the sky, air, trees, birds etc. I wouldn't exist, then if I didn't exists I wouldn't be able to look at the birds, sky, air etc. and I wouldn't notice their significance. Yes all very cosmic but if you sit still and allow the moment to be as it is, you will realise that nothing has to happen for 'what is' to be of value; to be something so beautiful and amazing. The fact that it all exists is significant enough for me to be content with not really knowing who I am anymore. Not needing to identify with a world that mostly looks like it has gone insane. Not needing to achieve anything in life other than appreciating the smell of a flower, seeing the beauty of a sunset, feeling the drops on my face of the first rain of summer.

I am not denying the creative prompts or a desire to experience oneself in life through something, that is great, that is the call of 'Source' as Abraham/Hicks would say. It is when we are seeking an identity through what is outside of ourselves that we can come unstuck; lose confidence in who we are; when that creative prompt stops for a while and we diminish our self worth in the eyes of the world. When we stop getting the buzz from the process and start needing the acknowledgment through achievement. That is when we have lost sight of our true purpose in life.

For me the true purpose of life is to live in joy, no matter what I am doing, being or having. To celebrate the fact that I exist on this beautiful planet and can see all these other expressions of 'source' energy that are all unique in their own expression of 'life' or existence. To be open to what comes next, knowing it is all perfect, (you) will never get it done and there is nowhere to get. Enjoy!!!!

Great quote and pic by 'Rasha'

It's Not Personal, it's Universal!!!???

For me, right now, I view everything as significant to my growth, or rather, an opportunity to move beyond a pattern or dis-functional belief. I know I have taken something personal when I have a negative reaction. I was talking to some beautiful young woman (one being my daughter) the other day and I had one of those 'aha' moments. I realised that if I react to a situation or person negatively I am releasing some old emotional 'stuff'; I realised if I was truly in a loving space there is no way I could have negative thoughts or responses about another, or blame them for what they said or did. I believe when I get to the stage of not needing to change the 'other' or take personally an other's process I will have let go off past emotional baggage. I will be able to be with an other's process and feeling nothing but allowing and acceptance; I wouldn't need to blame, punish or reject; I wouldn't feel hurt or rejected by their processing.

Just the same as I wouldn't like to think I am being punished or blamed or rejected for my unconscious behavior towards others that have crossed my path. I have done and said some terrible things to the people I love, from a place of pain. If I reflect on these times in the past, which I rarely do, I almost felt a bit insane. The parts of me that were inflicting pain felt pain. As Abraham/Hicks says "nobody that is in their true power could ever inflict pain on a fellow human being", or words to that effect. I can look back on things I have done in my past and wondered 'what was I thinking'; some things I have no relationship to at all 'now' and have no idea where those actions were coming from. If I could go back in time I would never do or say what I said to hurt others and yes I may still be doing this to others now and my intention now would be to put some space between me and an other's pain body; now it may be more like self protection and yes perhaps in the past it was self protection also. The difference with now is I am so much more aware of what I am feeling and can accept responsibility for what I am feeling and I don't need to have bad thoughts towards the so called 'perpetrator'. I can even see how perhaps my behavior led me to put myself in such a situation; I can diffuse my emotions enough to be allowing in the moment, yes it is a skill that takes some practice but it is achievable. I can allow myself to fail as well and get taken over by my reactions or emotions.

I can accept that I am a 'universal being' in the process of becoming more; I can accept that everyone else is a 'universal being' in the process of becoming more. All those so called 'awful' moments in my life have made me a better person, well I think so and I am pretty sure those who love me would say the same and they are the only opinions that really count to me. I can get it wrong and still feel connected to something bigger because everything is an opportunity to be more loving towards 'self' and 'other'.

Inspirational thoughts and image by 'Rasha'.

Change your vibration (response), not the situation

So life exists in the moment, this being established, I am presenting the belief that what I may react to in the moment was unfinished business from the past. What I mean by this is when we are young we are usually dependent on others for our well being; we are not necessarily empowered in respect to our decisions about our likes and dislikes, usually we are told what to think, feel and do by adults and other more dominant children. It is only natural that at times we were not happy about these choices others were making for us. We mostly felt either unhappy, angry, dis-empowered, bullied etc. etc., the list goes on. Many belief systems go on to say these memories or beliefs I took on as a child are formed into patterns and we just go on repeating these modes of behaviour for the rest of our lives. Father/mother stuff with our partners, authority issues with the establishment, just to name a couple!

This is what I am calling 'unfinished business'. So in the moment I am reacting or projecting onto others and my circumstances from the same place, I reacted to, all those years ago when I was a child. I just keep repeating these scenarios over and over. These are not the same circumstances, I have grown up for one, I can choose a different response but......... only if I am aware of the pattern, the feeling of being dis-empowered in the present, the feeling that my buttons are being pushed; I then get to choose how I respond to this. Yes, like we have heard before, it all takes practice; accepting responsibility for what I am now creating in my life.

I would like to take this one step further and say that present upsets are an opportunity to release the past. That there is absolutely nothing wrong with reacting in the moment, it is necessary to release past hurts and old outdated beliefs. What we do have to pay attention to is when we then project those past responses onto the person or present situation. When we become unconscious to what we are experiencing in the moment. Sometimes we may need to process this in the privacy of our own thoughts and feelings, or become aware of what is going on when we have time to reflect.

My own investigation has lead me to see the biggest issue we may be dealing with is insecurity. Now it is easy to see in life nothing outside of ourselves can make us secure. You only have to watch the news to know nothing can make us secure. The only constant in life is change, it is inevitable in every area of our lives. We loose loved ones, we loose jobs, we loose homes, friends, parents, again the list goes on. How do we feel secure in an ever changing, insecure existence? Well I put my trust in a higher source, the only thing that makes sense to me. I am doing this now but I have spent decades trying to make my life secure. The more I tried the worse it got. Now Abraham/Hicks would call this "going upstream" and they go on to say "nothing you want is upstream". So this is one indicator that you are making life more difficult; if you are trying to make something happen, you can feel that it is hard; you feel frustrated, angry and upset because no one or thing is doing what you want it to do to make you feel secure.

Now I am proposing you change your vibration or response, not the situation or person you are trying to change or resist. Just like 7 of 9 and the Borg from Star Trek Voyager says "resistance is futile". No need to resist 'what is', allow yourself to feel the emotions and then you can change how you respond to the 'upsets' of life.

So to summerise, we are reacting to something or someone in the present, this is an opportunity to release some past emotion or a false belief we formed, then we have affected the outcome of our future. When we let go of a past pattern we become empowered, this creates a new vibration in the moment that effects what appears in our future.

Some of the things I have changed for myself. I now have a fantastic hairdresser; I now have a fantastic mechanic; I no longer attract dis-functional relationships, I could make a few changes in the ones I have and for now resistance is futile!!?? I have more than enough money to pay my bills, I drive a great little car, I live in a beautiful house, I have a job that I love to go to. My life is far from perfect and I do notice how much easier my life is since I have stopped going upstream, since I stopped resisting 'what is'. I am happy because it feels good to be happy, not because I need more 'stuff' in my life or I am waiting for things to get better to feel good. My life is now, I want the best for my 'now', so I make everything 'right'.

What is on your list of what is working in your life right now? What are you resisting and can you see a relationship to your past, in this.

Beautiful quote and image from Rasha author of 'Oneness', one of the best books I have ever read.