A Million Pieces

Broken Up Into a Million Pieces

Just when you wonder how much more you can tear yourself apart, there is more being done. Fill like I am sitting or lying in a million pieces on the floor, no energy to gather myself, don't recognize any of the parts anyway to put it all back together and into what. Don't know what I am anymore, let alone who I am!

Yes there was a trigger that caused so much pain, gut wrenching, don't want to be here anymore pain; I can't make it; who am I? The pain has diminished somewhat but a very non attached feeling has taken over, an 'I don't really care' feeling, almost not even an emotion, an ambillivence about life. A bit like I'm trying to play a game in a foreign language that I don't know, with people from another planet, that I haven't got a clue as to how to play. I give up, YOU win, whoever YOU are.

Amongst all of this I managed to get myself some work for a couple of days, so there is a level of functioning on auto pilot I think. I have been good at pretending to myself all my life, so I suppose that's what I'm doing, pretending to care about working to get some money.

Yes all sounds very morose and depressing but deep down there is a feeling of surrender and even some peace. Also a feeling like there really isn't a future of any kind, just putting one foot in front of the other, just dealing with what appears in the moment, kind of knowing it's ok, only the moment and if I go the wrong way I can get back on track again. 

Perhaps this is death to the ego, I don't really know, like I say 'I'M' unrecognisable, don't know who I am, no identity, no role, no place I belong, no place I live. There is my car and some possessions but maybe they will have to go. All very unknown which doesn't feel exciting today, not scary or fearful just I have no idea.

Well enough journaling for today. Feel the emptying process is very important, that's why I'm journaling it. It's just as important, maybe more so than the ecstatic highs I think. It's what needs to be done, emptying the conditioned beliefs, thoughts, patterns. Even this level of ugliness is a part that is me, in some ways, a part that is obviously lurking in the depths that wants to be released, revealed. Well that's what's happening.