It has been quite a while between blogs! Sometimes I just have nothing to say or share that would be of benefit to others from an experience point of view. So not sure if this is still true but here I go!
I am making some major changes in my life, doesn't really seem like I have made an intellectual choice or decision in some ways, I would say it is almost a compulsion to do what I'm doing. A few months ago I decided to leave my job and place of residence and to move to Sydney, which is about 800kms from where I live, a major city, as opposed to a town of 4,000 and a shire of about 10,000. My family in Sydney concist of my 2 sons, a mother, sister and her children and grandchildren live in said city. I have quite a few friends in Sydney as well. Now this may sound all very nice and ordinary except I now find myself unable to work out how to do this in the traditional sense.
In between this decision I traveled overseas with some friends to Hawaii, went to visit my daughter in USA, came back and went on a road trip and have been saying my farewells to friends in my community, house sat for a week. Now I am staying with a friend with no idea what is going to happen next. I have been in a space of I can't act from a place of fear and I better get a job and rent a place or whatever it was I did in the past. I am taking some action but I can't force my self to act in a responsible way or even conceive of how that looks anymore.
I'm not inspired to really do anything, don't know who I am, don't know what I should do, not even sure I know what I feel or perhaps I'm not feeling the feelings I should feel given my circumstances. So some of the thoughts that have come up regarding this 'journey' I find myself on. I feel like I am being vulnerable and humbled by my experience, nothing new there but I'm aware that I'm wanting to not diminish myself like I would in the past for having to accept the kindness of friends. I feel like another quality is steeping into my reality that is a bit foreign to me. Perhaps I'm not judging myself for the circumstances I'm in even though I'm doing a lot of asking for clarity, support and guidance from the unseen realm.
Yes I have been scared of what is going to be-come of me, at times not even knowing whether I want to become something at all. I'm not sure how to 'do' life, I don't seem to have an aspirations. I know how I would like my life to appear but I seem to be as far from that as earth is from the moon. In fact there is no visible way I could achieve what I desire from what I know.
I only seem to be able to put one foot in front of the other, only take action when it feels right, only plan ahead as I need to, like I'm getting my haircut tomorrow and I don't know beyond that. The part that is watching me seems to be all very relaxed with this new way of being, there is a part of me that freaks out every now and then and is quite puzzled by my behavior.
Feels like a journey to a more authentic me, I mean I can't pretend anymore to be something, to have something, to make something of myself and my life because I don't know how to do that. I only have now literally, don't know what tomorrow holds, don't want it to hold anything that resembles the past me because I'm not sure if I'm capable of doing that anymore, don't want to, can't do it, don't care about it!!! Not sure if anyone out there can relate but it is what it is.
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