A Million Pieces

Broken Up Into a Million Pieces

Just when you wonder how much more you can tear yourself apart, there is more being done. Fill like I am sitting or lying in a million pieces on the floor, no energy to gather myself, don't recognize any of the parts anyway to put it all back together and into what. Don't know what I am anymore, let alone who I am!

Yes there was a trigger that caused so much pain, gut wrenching, don't want to be here anymore pain; I can't make it; who am I? The pain has diminished somewhat but a very non attached feeling has taken over, an 'I don't really care' feeling, almost not even an emotion, an ambillivence about life. A bit like I'm trying to play a game in a foreign language that I don't know, with people from another planet, that I haven't got a clue as to how to play. I give up, YOU win, whoever YOU are.

Amongst all of this I managed to get myself some work for a couple of days, so there is a level of functioning on auto pilot I think. I have been good at pretending to myself all my life, so I suppose that's what I'm doing, pretending to care about working to get some money.

Yes all sounds very morose and depressing but deep down there is a feeling of surrender and even some peace. Also a feeling like there really isn't a future of any kind, just putting one foot in front of the other, just dealing with what appears in the moment, kind of knowing it's ok, only the moment and if I go the wrong way I can get back on track again. 

Perhaps this is death to the ego, I don't really know, like I say 'I'M' unrecognisable, don't know who I am, no identity, no role, no place I belong, no place I live. There is my car and some possessions but maybe they will have to go. All very unknown which doesn't feel exciting today, not scary or fearful just I have no idea.

Well enough journaling for today. Feel the emptying process is very important, that's why I'm journaling it. It's just as important, maybe more so than the ecstatic highs I think. It's what needs to be done, emptying the conditioned beliefs, thoughts, patterns. Even this level of ugliness is a part that is me, in some ways, a part that is obviously lurking in the depths that wants to be released, revealed. Well that's what's happening.

Enjoying the view

So excited to be on this amazing journey right now! Here I am looking at the beautiful Harbour in Sydney Australia, listening to Cockatoo screeching overhead, love it! Spending quite a bit of time on my own looking at what is going on for me and realizing this is really an inner journey. I am observing my creations and having a true knowing what I am achieving on an inner level.

I have been down this creation many times before, I will name it homeless and staying in another's space, in the past I have had a great resistance to this creation. I am experiencing this creation very differently right now, I am embracing where I am, I am trusting in the non physical part of me to create, I am acting from inspiration. I only take any action when it feels good or non resistant. 

I seem to be able to hold a vision of my dream life without attachment because I know that I don't need to have this dream life appear to make me happy or to be at peace or to feel abundant. I realize the only way for this 'dream life' to appear is when I feel all of those feelings most of my waking hours, my focus isn't even to make myself feel that, it's more like I know where ever I am moves me into those states of being when I notice the resistance, allow it and let it go. Using that word organic is more meaningful to describe my process.

Now I have spent many years in struggle to get to this place, which by the way is nowhere, it just is what it is, I have no idea where it will lead me in a physical sense and in some ways I don't have an attachment to that either, kind of exciting to not know where I'm headed. This is the same sensation I experience when I travel, the excitement of not knowing where I'm going, being in a state of openness, excited to see who I will be in that moment and what I will experience. Which is why I suppose I am drawn to travel, I had a great sense of that when I first started to formally go out into the world at the tender age of 20. A feeling of leaving the mundane troubles behind, open to not knowing where I am or what will happen in that place/space. 

I feel like I am doing this now in my everyday life, without saying I am going to South America or another exciting destination to do this, I am allowing myself the experience of doing this right now, knowing I will create exactly what I need in the moment to support this inner journey. I almost expect my actions to bring up any residual fear that remains in my limited being. I welcome this, I call it forth, allow it to be, allow it to move on and take me to a real connection to myself as an aspect of 'Source', the true self beyond the limits of form. That's the plan without it being a plan, right now I am driven to do what I am doing, like I say it's an inner journey that will translate on the outer journey; into what I have no idea but I do have a DREAM.

Much love to all the incarnations that are sharing this journey with me!

Wow what a journey I have taken on!!!!

It has been quite a while between blogs! Sometimes I just have nothing to say or share that would be of benefit to others from an experience point of view. So not sure if this is still true but here I go!

I am making some major changes in my life, doesn't really seem like I have made an intellectual choice or decision in some ways, I would say it is almost a compulsion to do what I'm doing. A few months ago I decided to leave my job and place of residence and to move to Sydney, which is about 800kms from where I live, a major city, as opposed to a town of 4,000 and a shire of about 10,000. My family in Sydney concist of my 2 sons, a mother, sister and her children and grandchildren live in said city. I have quite a few friends in Sydney as well. Now this may sound all very nice and ordinary except I now find myself unable to work out how to do this in the traditional sense.

In between this decision I traveled overseas with some friends to Hawaii, went to visit my daughter in USA, came back and went on a road trip and have been saying my farewells to friends in my community, house sat for a week. Now I am staying with a friend with no idea what is going to happen next. I have been in a space of I can't act from a place of fear and I better get a job and rent a place or whatever it was I did in the past. I am taking some action but I can't force my self to act in a responsible way or even conceive of how that looks anymore.

I'm not inspired to really do anything, don't know who I am, don't know what I should do, not even sure I know what I feel or perhaps I'm not feeling the feelings I should feel given my circumstances. So some of the thoughts that have come up regarding this 'journey' I find myself on. I feel like I am being vulnerable and humbled by my experience, nothing new there but I'm aware that I'm wanting to not diminish myself like I would in the past for having to accept the kindness of friends. I feel like another quality is steeping into my reality that is a bit foreign to me. Perhaps I'm not judging myself for the circumstances I'm in even though I'm doing a lot of asking for clarity, support and guidance from the unseen realm.

Yes I have been scared of what is going to be-come of me, at times not even knowing whether I want to become something at all. I'm not sure how to 'do' life, I don't seem to have an aspirations. I know how I would like my life to appear but I seem to be as far from that as earth is from the moon. In fact there is no visible way I could achieve what I desire from what I know.

I only seem to be able to put one foot in front of the other, only take action when it feels right, only plan ahead as I need to, like I'm getting my haircut tomorrow and I don't know beyond that. The part that is watching me seems to be all very relaxed with this new way of being, there is a part of me that freaks out every now and then and is quite puzzled by my behavior.

Feels like a journey to a more authentic me, I mean I can't pretend anymore to be something, to have something, to make something of myself and my life because I don't know how to do that. I only have now literally, don't know what tomorrow holds, don't want it to hold anything that resembles the past me because I'm not sure if I'm capable of doing that anymore, don't want to, can't do it, don't care about it!!! Not sure if anyone out there can relate but it is what it is.